Engagement 2022

I went out for lunch with Dad yesterday. It seems as if my future wedding and me as a person has become part of the drama that is Dad. It's hard to feel angry when he's told all the waitresses and restaurant owner about my engagement. It appears that he is a very proud dad that wants everyone to know. But it's weird.

We ended up sitting on the other side of the diner where the waitress that he talks to doesn't serve. He was annoyed by the service because she forgot the Texas Pete sauce. He also couldn't make a big fuss about how great of a dad he is to this waitress. He made up a story that I called him and asked him if I should get married once and he said no. He's just saying this because he fears I'm getting married because he told me he couldn't pay for me anymore. For the first hour he told me all about his terrible side effects from the steroids and his health problems. He kept reassuring me it was the side effects and not the disease, but then he would launch into martyrdom. The steroids make him even more dad. He said he got so angry on the road that he followed a driver so that he could beat him up once he got out of the car. He didn't.

He wants my permission to buy the sailboat. If he does that will be all the money. I don't care anymore. I told him he should buy it. We talked about travel and he asked me a lot of questions about Africa. I feel important when I'm with him sometimes because when he listens he can listen with his whole body. He told me that I was basically marrying him because Dan was an ambitious man.

When I got up to go to the bathroom the restaurant owner rushed over and took my hand. He gazed at the ring before telling me Dad already told him I was engaged. I don't know the name of this man, but I've seen him many times before in the diner. He looks like he truly cares. I wiggled my fingers for him and smiled. I was genuinely happy he asked.

In the bathroom there are only two stalls. Nobody is ever in there. I looked at myself in the grungy full-length mirror that's been there for over twenty years. I was wearing my vneck long sleeve shirt I got from the Emirates plane and a preppair pair of striped shorts. My hair was in curls after wearing it up the night before. I planned this outfit like I plan every outfit a few days before seeing Dad.

It wasn't until night that I started feeling weird about the lunch. It seemed fine at the time even though it was three hours long. Like many other times I couldn't quite put my fingerr on what it was that bothered me. I always feel slightly crazy afterrward.

Dad is in negotiating mode. He is offering 15000 to 20000 for the wedding. The average wedding is at least 30,000 and I know Dan would want more. I called Mom to ask if 15,000 is enough and she said he’s trying to take advantage of me. So it begins.

I got a text from Mom late last night asking for his email address. I did not respond. She says that she and Dad will have to communicate throughout the wedding because there are lots of decisions to be made plus both will need to meet Dan’s parents. I can only imagine how this is going to play out.

There are some nice cottages in Maine where we could elope. But I don’t know - Maine would make me sad. It reminds me of family and we’d be there because my family couldn’t handle being nice for a wedding.

Ab and Alexis don’t really want to be there if Dad’s going to be there. Mom wants me to ask them to be bridesmaids instead of Sarah. She first told me that I was in charge of my wedding and not to let anyone tell me differently. But if it’s just going to be a family tangle where everyone’s feelings are hurt, forget it. I don’t want to start my marriage thinking about my parent’s divorce.

Maybe Nova Scotia would be nice. It has the same feel as Maine, but since we’ve never been there it would be “our” place.

I had a dream last night that I visited the Boston aquarium with mom. We had a fancy dinner next to the cyclinder and while we ate we could watch all the fish. I remembered thinking it was actually really fun. Then the next night I took Dad to the aquarium and had a fancy dinner with him next to the cylinder. And it was good. I enjoyed it.

And when Dad left the aquarium, walking deep down into the parking garage, I left through a separate exit.

Dan and I were watching the Marrying Millions reality show that we both like when he started talking about a prenup. He says it's good to have one because this way he knows that if I want to leave, I'm not just staying with him for financial reasons. He said he would pay $1500 a month (what my dad pays now) if we got divorced.

I was shocked. I know it makes sense for him to get a prenup because he's a millionaire and I have zero assetts. But I can't help but feel like he wants to marry me because I'm a "good deal". I came from poverty and won't expect much in a prenup. I don't know. The whole mixing love and money is so stressful and it just feels like I'm jumping from Dad to Dan. Maybe marriage isn't the right idea. I never wanted to before Dan and maybe I just kind of lost my head for a minute saying Yes.

I feel like a gold digger. I can't say anything about the prenup because if I do, then I really am a gold digger. Why would I want more than 1500 a month if I'm not thinking about divorce? I don't know. I feel stupid and for some reason I feel much cheaper now than I did when I was actually poor.

We have begun looking at wedding venues. I’m surprised how much I want a traditional wedding. Part of me wants to compete with Graham’s wedding since we’re always judged side by side. Vineyard and barn weddings seem tacky to me. Weddings are supposed to be formal. It’s something that should be respected.

Dan’s wiped out. He’s not sure when the company will sell and we’re looking at probably another year. He’s just come back from 2 months worth of work travel. He does not have the energy to plan a wedding. I wish he’d let me handle it, but I know he wants things done a certain way and I probably wouldn’t do that. I’m not a perfectionist.

Dad’s birthday is today. I think he’s in New Orleans with his girlfriend. He sent some pictures of him and her in a French restaurant. His neck is huge because of the steroids. I hope he will be able to walk me down the aisle.

I think Alexis is bipolar. At first I thought she was just excited, but then I realized she couldn't stop talking. And some of it was anxiety and some of it was hard to understand. She's upset at mom because mom says things are facts when they aren't. I completely understand. If she thinks something should be a certain way, she'll just say it is. I did not mentiom that Alexis was not there for me when Mom lied to me about Dad sexually abusing me. But whatever. Alexis told me that mom thinks she's selfish for not allowing her boyfriend to have half her stuff if they breakup. Like a prenup. I know mom said this because she can't believe Dan wants a prenup and isn't willing to give me half. I don't expect him to give me half, but I do expect that he'd at least take care of me if we get divorced. The whole conversation is just too tacky for words though. I don't even want to write any of that down.

Alexis said Mom always gets on her about how she's raising Benjamin and why she doesn't marry her boyfriend. I feel bad for her. It's her life, not mom's. Mom does seem extremely happy about my wedding though. She's told all her friends and she seems like she's definitely in her element. I think Dan is worried about this because she might kind of take over. Which she might.

Divorced parents lurk at every wedding. People try not to look, but they sit at different tables. They stretch their status across the ceremony until they’ve reached every guest. They are aware of the spaces between them.

Dad did the staring thing again. We were at the nook eating breakfast. I had pancakes while he drank a mimosa. He kept staring deep into my eyes and trying to get me to tell him how right he was about my feelings. When I looked at him I had to turn away because it’s that same creepy gaze. His pupils are so big, his eyes look black. He looks like a predator.

He mimicked mom when he told me about her emails. She promised me she wouldn’t send any, but I was wrong. Of course she would send emails to him. He talked about how much of a gold digger she was “I think you know who I’m talking about”. He doesn’t mention her name because this way he can say he doesn’t talk about her when I ask him to stop.

I told him about the prenup and he thought it was low. I told him Dan was willing to pay what he was paying if we decided to get a divorce.

When I got home Dad texted me a breakdown of all the money spent for my independence. At least he should have the right figures, Dad said.

I wonder where my price tag is. Sometimes I can’t find it and I pretend I’m worth more than I really am. It must be on my back because someone else always finds the value.

I’ve been sleeping on my couch for the past few days. Part of it’s me. Part of it’s Dan. He can’t sell the company because stocks plummeted last week. He may not be able to retire anymore if he can’t sell it for higher than it’s worth. Dan drinks or Dan sleeps. There is no real in between now.

I creep along the recovery websites and spend evenings craving. It’s lonely and I feel I should walk on eggshells around him. I think about Heim a lot. I miss him always.

This week has been PMS. Not as bad as it used to be before the medication. But enough to feel irritable and down. Enough to feel like if anything else goes wrong, I will sleep on my couch. Enough so that I do.

My room is mine alone. It’s a kind of safety that no man will ever understand. It’s my personality and my tapestries and my lamps and my couch. It’s the comfort a dim light in a wooden room filled with Miles Davis on the hifi.

I hope I can sleep tonight. It’s been a series of bad dreams lately. Most have to do with sociopaths trying to get me while I wait. The other night I was trying to figure out if the sociopath knew that I knew he was a sociopath and if he did, he would surely kill me. I tried escaping through a window in the bathroom, but couldn’t find a way out.

My lawyer is mom’s lawyer and when I visited mom’s lawyer mom came with. Or I came with her since she picked me up and together we drove to her lawyer/my lawyer in a stripmall.

It’s an office building with noticeably fake plants and cubicles decorated with glass. She thought we were meeting virtually. We met in her office.

She suggested things I didn’t know how to articulate. Like $30,000 per year with a 10% increase every ten years. Or something like that.

She asked something about my ability to work and I wanted to say “I have a disability”.

I looked at mom to see if I should say it or not. She doesn’t like it when I talk about the learning disability.

When I mentioned I didn’t drive later on, Mom laughed. She said I couldn’t drive.

She acknowledged how bad the learning disability was on the ride home. But I wonder if she would have done that if we weren’t getting a prenup. If I wasn’t getting a prenup.

I just want to be okay. Always. Enough food. Enough to pay rent. Enough to go out a couple nights a week.

I guess what sticks the most is that Mom seemed so okay with my learning disability. I wonder if she truly believes I have it or if she just wants to use it so I’m protected.

The prenup is so ugly. Four eyed monster. Dan yells mom is after his money and why wouldn’t she tell me what her life insurance policy is before poking her head in someone else’s finances.

What is Rebecca worth? As long as it’s somebody else’s money, nobody has a problem. I hate talking about what I’m worth.

All of the sudden it becomes: your learning disability isn’t that bad. Or, you just don’t Want to drive. Or I believe you will be able to make a living. Just have some confidence.

And when it’s somebody else’s money: Thank God you’ll be okay. Or I mean it’s so obvious. Nobody thinks you’re lying. Or This is just what you deserve.

I did not tell him I’ve dated wealthier men and I’ve broken up with wealthier men. Perhaps I should have. But I don’t have to defend myself against something so disgusting. I don’t want to be associated with it.

Today Dan and I look at a vacation house on a river 2 hours South of here. All I’ll see is the money he says he can’t spend. My worth - invested.

Diane took Dan out for dinner last night so she could tell him that my mother makes her uncomfortable. Dan says that Diane said that Mom said I was a heroin addict. She also told Diane how much money Dad gives me and the details of our prenup. Mom even asked Diane about Dan and life insurance.

Dan says that Diane still loves me and that this is in no way a reflection of me.

Thanks. Both Dan and Diane think Mom is trying to manipulate them. They don't trust her. You want to know what I don't trust? A woman who goes behind my back to talk about my mother to my fiance instead of directly communicating her discomfort with Mom.

Poor mom. She's always telling me how much she loves Diane. "Diane uses emoji's too!" "Diane is so nice!" "I really really like Diane." "It's so nice to have someone like Diane for your mother in law."

I thought planning a wedding would be fun. I know all the logistics are never fun to plan and we do have a wedding planner. Still, it seems like Dan is trying to rush through this and it’s difficult planning out 4 different venues to see in one day.

Between family issues, prenups, planning, unknown costs, and the ceremony, it just doesn’t seem like any of this is going to be much fun. I still haven’t told Mom that she made Diane uncomfortable when she told her all about my finances and prenup agreement. I hope she’s not telling other people, but I see no way to bring it up with her now.

Dad and Beth are actually pretty easy. Dad is all for the ceremony just being parents so that he won’t have to deal with the rest of the family (and they won’t have to deal with him). I feel sick with sadness. I just want to go out for lunch with Dad and tell him everything so we can hash it all out over pancakes. But I know I can’t really trust either parent.

The huge bummer is that I feel I can’t really trust Dan either. My lawyer tells me this prenup is ridiculous and that it guarantees I’ll be in poverty if we divorce. I feel entitled and like a gold digger if I ask for more. I already feel like I’m going behind his back just questioning his motives. Yet, how can I not?

I feel like everyone is angling. Angling for money or revenge or control. I find myself daydreaming about empty space during the day. It feels like there’s too much clutter in my head to concentrate. I need a stress vacuum that can clean out what’s in between my ears. Mississippi meadows. Kansas corn fields. Something that goes on and on without anything to acknowledge.

Last night I had a dream that Dan and I went to Philadelphia for some work conference. The work party was extremely fancy and we stayed in this beautiful hotel except the management had booked it wrong. I wasn’t allowed to spend the night there and the rest of the hotel was full.

So I went to this other hotel, but on the way I ran into some girls who knew Jess. They led me to her and she offered me a line, but I said no. I was so proud of myself for turning down heroin that I got completely drunk and tried to find my way home through the BadLands. I couldn’t find Dan and I didn’t have my phone so I ended up sleeping under the El.

So I said “fuck it” and ended up doing heroin anyway. When I woke up the next morning I realized I could never get off and that I was going to be stuck on dope forever. Dan found me under the el, but there was nothing he could do by then.

I have bad dreams a lot these days. The other day I had one about a murder that had taken place at Gram’s old house in Maine. But I was the only one who could sense it had happened besides Gram and everyone discredited her because of her age. I dreamed in music - a Bill Calahoun song. “America”.

I started the increase on August 1st. So far I feel slightly depressed. I have morning stomach pain and am really constipated or bloated. I'm also having long and intense dreams.

All this could be from the wedding or from medication or both. I'll see if it effects drinking tonight when I go to a show with Alethea.

Last night I cried really hard because mom is giving her cats away. She also threw away all my notebooks from childhood to high school and a few photo albums.

I don't really want to think about this too much. Dan took Mom out for coffee so he could talk about how she's been treating me and how it needs to stop. I didn't realize he'd go into my past. I thought he'd just tell her to stop talking about my finances to other people. Instead he talked about the inpatient place, the blackmailing, the learning disability bullying. She responded by talking about Dad, sexual abuse allegations in pre-school, how she still thinks something happened.

Dan said it was very confusing. She kept omitting large parts of information and then pivoting to talk about things that happened that were irrelevant to her behavior.

Mom handled it very classy. She wrote a nice email to him this morning and I am so. relieved.

I went over to Mom's new condo to help her unpack. I didn't really realize I was there to help unpack because she just invited me over to wait for the comcast people. She said she wasn't real pleased about Dan's whole coffee thing and thought he reminded her of Dad. Very controlling. She also asked me if I was facially blind because Dan said that I was. When I said yes, she made one of her doubtful sounds "Hmmm." or "mmmhmm."

I didn't ask her to clarify. I tried to back Dan up by saying he was there to talk about how I didn't want my privacy - my past - my financial info - being broadcasted. But in the end I just ended up saying Dan was under a lot of stress and that sometimes he couldn't tell what he was feeling. I was too worried Mom would get mad and then take it out on me. We've worked so hard to have the relationship we do.

When I told Dan, he got upset. He left the kitchen and sat on the couch and didn't want to talk.

I went over to Mom's beautiful new condo. The ceilings are very high and the floors are real hard wood. She has carpeting, so soft it feels new, in her bedroom. There is molding along the doors and walls making it look somehow British. I helped her unpack and we talked about families in general. We didn't have to look at one another since we were putting away silverware and china. We both agreed the place needs a radio.

Mom didn't know about my facial blindness until Dan mentioned it. It's great that she knows now.

The comcast guy came and at first wasn't able to find the hook-up. For a second we thought we'd have to call an electrician, but then... he found it! He seemed to enjoy being around us as we talked, or maybe it was us who liked to be around him. When Ab called on the phone I got to showcase how close our family is.

The XTREME DIET is on. I started yesterday. I need to lose weight and it seems impossible without intense measures. So I'm going to eat 1000 calories per day and workout 4 or 5 days per week. I started yesterday so today my plan is to eat a 200 calorie poptart at noon and then another 200 poptart at 3. After the gym I'll have a 400 calorie sandwich for dinner. Later tonight I'll have a 100 calorie biscotti.

I got the first draf of the prenup this evening. In looking over it I'm realizing there's no way I could survive off the money I'm asking for. There's nothing like a prenup to make you really understand your worth.

I went to the gym and worked off 165 calories. I don't think I'll exercise so hard when I have to walk home. My legs were shakey and I felt like sitting down halfway to my house. It was satisfying though. I hope I can lose some weight soon - I can't stand the way I look now.

Reframe: It rained this morning so I got to curl up in my comforter and drink coffee by lamp light. After doing a laundry the rain cleareed so I could walk to the office. Toshy and I talked for a long time about relationships and masculinity. He wants to start a podcast. i'm so flattered.

I stuck to my diet today even though it was hard. Going to the gym felt so refreshing. Once i got home I looked over the prenup and called mom to see if she would help me understand it. I'm very lucky to have someone who also has an interest in my financial well-being.

It's almost 8pm which means in only an hour I can officially read in bed. The book I'm currently reading is about online linguistics. It's fascinating to see how people interact with machines and humans. The intersection makes complete sense even though it is like no other language.

Today is my birthday. This morning Dan told me about his disappointment in the prenup my lawyer drew up. He says it's not fair as it is now and would cost him a tremendous amount of money that he barely has now. He doesn't understand why we can't talk this out just us, without lawyers. I feel like a dick saying I need my lawyer, but I do. I don't understand finances and also... it's a prenup. You get lawyers.

I feel like I'm getting taken advantage of and he feels like he's getting taken advantage of. Right now we're both resentful and trying not to talk about it so that our relationship won't suffer more. I wonder if Dan isn't signing the venue contract for our wedding because he is contemplating the prenup. I wonder if he really suggested the prenup because he was worried I wouldn't have any money since the way it stood without a prenup, I wouldn't get anything. Because his business is his asset. Because if we divorced then we would both walk out of the marriage with what we came in wtih. I would have nothing.

But then the lawyer said that if we got divorced then a judge would give us each half. Because he has a multi-million dollar company and I have a disability and can't work. I'm sure Dan knows this because he's .... IN FINANCE. So is he just trying to get a really low-cost prenup? He thinks it's fair that if we get divorced that he pay me what Dad pays me. Because I'm worth poverty, but not much more. He doesn't have to say that, I figured that one out on my own.

This birthday I'm getting my hair trimmed at the Hair Cuttery. I hope it will look like it did last time. The one lady does a really nice job with bottom layering.

Today is my birthday! Dan I talked briefly about the prenup, but mostly we discuss it through email so it won't leak into our face time. Luckily he's read the first draft now and we can keep this thing rolling. We found a beautiful place we'd like to get married - it looks like a cross between an old Italian house and a southern plantation. We can do the ceremony inside and then have the reception outdoors. If it rains there's even a covered terrace for everyone to eat.

Pete and I grabbed tea at the Twisted Branch this afternoon. It was the first time we had gone "out" and socialized since the pandemic. It wasn't as hot out as it has beeen so we basked in the sunshine while talking about Pete's latest projects and my wedding. In the morning Toshy and I gossiped for awhile before I wrote an article. I have plenty of articles to write this week which is fantastic.

Tonight I'm celebrating my birthday by getting a haircut and cheating on my diet a little. It's the little things in life that count.

We went on vacation to Smith Mountain Lake and it was gorgeous. We played boggle, sat on the dock, fished, baked brownies, watched the Newly Wed Game, and swam. Unfortunately Dan had to work most of the time. I feel really bad for him. All he wants is a break from this stupid job.

But you know what I don't feel bad about? When he and his friend talk about how unattractive certain women are. His friend, who I like, said he wasn't attracted to people his age because they have gray hair and they aren't as physically attractivee as younger women. Dan pointed out a "pudgy" girl and bet that she would be the first person to get drunk and dance in front of the bar.

Why would any man think I want to hear about this? Why would I want to marry someone who also thinks older women are not attractive? Why would I be interested in listening about how it would be unfair to divorce someonee in their 50s because they won't be able to get someone becausee men don't like older women?

Dan and Mike are balding and fat. They are over the hill. They may make money, but socially they are a fucking disaster. It's funny, for awhile, watching them try to impress each other, but dear God. Do men really think women want to date a man in their forties or fifties? They can't get it up. They can't get in the mood. They're constantly worried about their manhood as their hair falls out. They're alcoholics. They're lazy. They're no longer competitive. Men aren't sexy after 45. They're creepy.

Today I don’t have any work and I’m worried about my own bank account. I am also very hungry from this 1000 calorie a day diet. I know I should go to the gym, but I am cranky from my period. If I don’t go to the gym, I’ll just go home and eat.

Today I don’t have any work. This means I can focus on my creative writing and editing. It will be nice to submit stories again since it’s been so long.

I have officially lost 3 pounds. From 136 four weeks ago to 133. Even though it’s hard, it’s so nice to have a concrete goal where if you simply work hard enough you’ll get results. Easily measurable goals that require repetition are my forte.

This morning I will look through wedding options again. So far we have the wedding venue booked, the bridal gown fitting booked, and a possible photographer and florist. We’re still crossing our fingers for The WREN oldies station to DJ.

If the light hits my ring in the right way, sparkles of light dance against the wall. Cadbury chases them for his morning playtime.

Choosing a "bridal party" when you're having a private ceremony is tough. I chose Sarah, Alethea, Kirsten, Pete, and Toshy. Toshy becausee I was in his bridal party and Pete because if I had one guy there I'd have to have Pete.

But then Tom got upset because he wasn't in the bridal party. And Mom was miffed because my bridal party didn't include my sisters. And then there was the maid of honor issue which I just decided not to do. It's extremely flattering that people care, but I feel like it's impossible to make my own choices about this wedding.

I bought the wedding gown. Deborah, Mom and Diane went with me. Mom was making faces and suggesting different gowns. Deborah was taking pictures. Diane told me my shoulders looked nice. Between the three of them and the Russian lady who didn't speak much English helping me in the dressing room, I just wanted out. I chose one that I liked enough and bought it then and there. It's a halter dress with a little poof at the bottom. Very low cut. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure how I feel about my body.

Kirsten came over the other night and we talked for awhile about the gym. Since I can't lose weight at least I can try to change shape. She told me about her new job doing physical therapy and always uses scientific language to describe things even though she knows I don't understand. She hates her job. We were drinking wine and at some point she said "we can't all marry rich". Is this the phrase I'm going to heear forever?

Tooday I met Lethal at MiliJoes. I hadn't seen her in about a month since we've both been busy. It felt diffent this time. She asked if we could meet at the shop - usually she picks me up. When we parted ways I walked home and she drove to her studio. It's not the driving part that bohers me, it's the fact that it's a difference. I feel less close to her. I wonder if I did something wrong and if I did would she tell me? I don't know.

October 11th, 2022

Goals

I want to earn at least $500 per month. I want to be able to try new activities with less anxiety. I want to have better posture.

According to an online article on perseverance, I should keep a daily logue of good experiences and list my daily accomplishments. So I begin.

Yesterday I went for coffee with Pete and walked around downtown. I completed two articles for Jose and read for a half hour. This was good for my concentration, exercise, and work. Today I want to say “yes” to something new. By skipping my plan to go to the gym I was less rigid by finding an alternative way to exercise.

Goals

Keep a daily logue of good experiences
Try something new every day
Let go of attachments
List your daily accomplishments
Concentrate on one thing for 30 minutes per day
Picture how you will feel once you’ve accomplished your goal
Ask yourself if you are moving forward periodically throughout the day

Work Goals

Earn $500/mo by January

Flexibility Goals

Be able to say “yes” to new activities

Writing Goals

20 more followers for American Socialite by December

October 12th, 2022

Negative/Positive

I’m worried about: how I fucked up instructions AGAIN on another freelance project. How I’m going to get fired AGAIN from another freelancer because I fucked up directions on that too. Dad is being passive aggressive. He said he wanted to meet with just me for dinner later this month after I told him we should all get together, dan and beth included. When I said I would get back to him, I didn’t hear back.

I have period cramps even though I’m on the last day. I feel fat. I drank more than I wanted to last night. Dan’s coming home today and I fear it’s just going to be more stressful. I don’t want to get an allowance from him instead of dad.

Positive

I had a nice time with Mae last night. We had cocktails at C and O and talked about our lives and dreams for the future and what it was like to work as artists. I did not go over my calorie count even though I could have.

I’ve been consistent about exercise this week. Even when I could have stayed home I have come into the office each day. I’ve been productive - sending out stories and resumes. I’m sticking with my newsletter even though there’s not a lot of subscribers.

I set boundaries with Dad. I did not cave to meeting with him alone. I am continuing to work even though it makes me frustrated. I have enough money in my bank account so that I don’t have to ask Dan for money. I’ve remembered to feed the fish and take care of Cadbury and tidy up. I’ve been plugging along with the wedding and may have found a photographer and hair stylist.

Today I am wrapped up in a cozy sweater and am finished with the blogs. I will listen to a podcast with my coffee in an office I call my own. Life is good.

October 18th, 2022

The Alone Days

Dan left for New York last night. He’ll be back in four days. Today was a quiet day where I worked on plumbing articles for Jose. I went to the gym and took pictures of Cadbury. Dan chopped up an array of vegetables for me and put them in individual plastic containers. He bought light salad dressing so that I’ll have something healthy to eat while he’s gone. He’s unbelievably sweet. I really don’t know how I got so lucky sometimes.

Last night Toshy came over because of a fight he had with his wife. It’s always finances and cleaning I told him. They mean the same thing: gender and power. Toshy flatters me about how I think and I think I feel the most appreciated when he’s around.

I’ve been drinking a lot for the past few nights. I’m still on naltrexone, but it’s hard to know if it’s working. They say it’s very gradual and that it works over the course of a year, not months. Tonight it’s easy not to drink because I’m alone.

My weight is going up again. After talking to Santuli I realize that it’s not possible for me to get back to my old weight unless I give up the SSRI. It’s made such a huge difference over the past year and I don’t want to stop taking Lexapro. It is sad though to feel like my body is not what I want it to be regardless of the exercise and dieting.

I am going to try to be healthier. I will accept the vegetables and healthy dinners from Dan without obsessing about calories. I will continue to go to the gym during the week. I will start meditating again. I will drink more water.

Health Goals

Concentrate on the types of food instead of the calories

Continue to go to the gym

Daily meditation

Drink more water

Green tea

Write a gratitude list

Focus on posture - top of the head should be pulled up

Listen to TED talks

Brush teeth in the afternoon

October 19th, 2022

Gratitude List

Today I am grateful for my friendship with Tom. That we can be creative together and that weee have each other’s backs no matter what.

I am grateful for how friendly Cadbury is and his resilient personality.

I am grateful for Dan’s interesting photos and his unique eye.

I am grateful for HBO.

I am grateful for the office and my job with Jose.

I am grateful for the cold weather and winter clothes.

I am grateful for my writing group with Sophie.

I am grateful for fresh cut veggies individually packaged in the fridge.

I am grateful for artistic makeup and the calm it makes me feel.

I am grateful for my freedom.

October 20th, 2022

Gratitude list

Today I’m grateful for eye doctors and prism glasses

I’m grateful for Indian food

I’m grateful for Dan’s calming voice over the phone

I’m grateful for Sex and the City

I’m grateful for the gym

I’m grateful for Cadbury and the way he hugs me lying down

I’m grateful for the save the date cards that are already mailed

I’m grateful for love

October 31st, 2022

Halloween

I used to think that too. Until I found out it was stupid. Haha! How naive I was back then.

All the best,

Today is Halloween. My period is in a few days. Dan has been working all day and moody (per usual). This morning he was in a good mood, but I didn’t trust it because I knew it would change. By lunch time I went downstairs because I knew he was making lunch for himself. As soon as I got down there he left. He closed his office door so he could take a nap without telling me I was excluded.

Tonight we sat outside for trick-or-treaters. We played music on the outside speakers. I was excited and asked for the Jaws soundtrack of Thriller from Michael Jackson. Later he said in passing that I was “barking” orders. I didn’t mean to be demanding.

He’s upstairs again working. When he gets done he will watch the British Baking Show. I don’t want to watch this. He doesn’t want to watch Sex and the City so why watch something he wants and I don’t? I will probably go upstairs and watch it on my laptop until I hopefully fall asleep.

Today sucks.

P.S. Gram is dying. I told her about the wedding. I looked back to her before I left the room and she was looking at me, but not smiling. She just looked serious. It struck me how pretty her eyes are.

I also told Dad we were going to meet for a shorter period of time just the two of us. He blew up and told me to leave the restaurant and blamed mee for bringing up mom. I don't care.

November 3rd, 2022

Interference

I know mom is just upset that Gram is dying, but she's trying to pick fights with me. Yesterday she insinuated that lots of women wouldn't want their husband to travel because he might cheat on them. She also said that since he wasn't involved in the wedding that maybe he was having second thoughts. She said his work schedulee was going to negativeely impact our marriage. What a bitch.

Dad emailed a long email to say he's sorry, but again, that it's my fault he talks about Mom. If I don't bring her up, it won't be a problem - he says. Mentioning mom is different than going on a three hour rant about her personality disorder and how she ruins lives. Three hours. WTF?

I want someone in my immediate family to stick up for me when this happens. I'm tired of dealing with them on my own.

I don't know whether I should have told Dan this or not. It was affecting how I was seeing him in terms of travel and the wedding. He doesn't want to do Thanksgiving at my mom's and it turns out neither does his mom. Apparently Diane wasn't the one bothering mom to hang out. Apparently it's my mom bothering his mom to hang out. I don't know. I tried explaining she does like him, she just tries to pick fights when she's sad and she's sad her mom is dying. But that doesn't matter. Dan doesn't understand why I put up with this and I know, at a certain point, this is my fault. But I don't want to give my parents up.

This wedding is supposed to be for us. I'm supposed to prioritize Dan. And yet I've been making this whole wedding about my parents. I feel pretty bad.

November 4th, 2022

5mg Lexapro

I'm going back down to 5mg. I was on 10mg so now I'm on 5mg as of today. Currently, after being on 10mg for so long, I feel less anxious than before the medication. Yesterday morning Dan asked me if we could meet the florist and her husband for dinner in Scottsville and I said yes. I only thought about it once or twice during the day and once it was time to go I just went. I felt a little nervous being far away from home and going to a stranger's house for dinner without a real time restriction, but I ended up having a nice time. We stayed for three hours.

I still feel anxious traveling with Dan, even on the 10mg. When I take 20mg during my period I feel noticeably tired and more hungry, but it takes away the suicidal feelings and paranoia.

I'm cutting back to 5mg in hopes of losing weight. I will try to stay on 5mg for three months (until Portugal in February) to see if I lose weight and don't feel too anxious. Right now my mood is mostly a 7 except for the obsession with weight.

November 7th, 2022

symptoms

Day 3 of 5mg: stomach upset/a sense of doom rated about a 3.

So, I guess not too bad. Dan and I came up with a plan so that we can both handle his work life better. I think this will work much better than what we have been doing. I told him I felt rejected because he wants to be alone all the time and he suggested scheduling times to be together where we can go out. Quality time vs. quantity. I think that's a great idea because then I won't constantly wonder if he wants me to go away when we're in the same room.

Wednesday he leaves for a work trip for 12 days. I hope he sells half the company by December. He is on schedule for it, but we'll see. I just want him to be happy again. As for me, I am continuing to maintain my blogs. I wrote a few articles for Dweeso marketing last week. I'm thinking they'll have more this week.

November 8th, 2022

Voting Day

Today is voting day for local congress. I, like many people I know, voted early. Partially this was due to convenience, but I think some of us were worried about safety at the polls. I'm just waiting for a mass shooting at the voter booths. Today Dan went down to the neighborhood voting station and said there was an actual republican representative there. In our neighborhood. Who would vote republican in our neighborhood?

In a half hour I will meet the makeup artist at Paradox Pastry. I hope she doesn't do tacky blush or Pam Ann lips, but she is inexpensive. This morning I counted out the cash I needed to give her and found an extra $120! Sounds pretty good to me.

Dan and Diane do not want to do Thanksgiving with my mom. Diane thinks she is manipulative and trying to sabotage Dan and my relationship by trash talking me to Diane and trash talking Dan to me. It's hard to say anything when she insinuates he is cheating or not serious about the marriage because since she's not directly using words, there's no hard substance to criticizee.

Apparently Diane hasn't been texting mom a lot (according to Diane). Apparently mom has been the one to constantly text. I know Dan is my priority now and that this is my new family, but it's very difficult not to take mom's side. I wish there didn't have to be sides with mom, but it seems like she needs a lot of loyalty. So now we are all trying to think of a plausible excuse. I don't want to rock the boat while Gram is dying. Not after I've tried so hard to repair our relationship. I know it isn't Diane's fault, but I can't help, but feel protective of my mom.

It's the 4th day of the 5mg decrease. I'm noticeably less hungry. I also have a persistent headache and digestive issues. I'd say on a scale of 1-10 it's probably a 3 or 4. The anxiety gets better as the day goes on. I'm hopeful.

November 9th, 2022

Day 5

Feeling a little rough today. Digestive issues/I feel nauseous. I also have a throbbing headache in my forehead. I'd say pain is about a 4 or 5 today. I feel anxious, like I keep thinking Dan is looking down on me even though he's not doing anything different. Just a sense of unease.

On the bright side: Voting went well yesterday. No mass shootings and the democrats didn't capitulate (yet) to the republicans.

The makeup lady (Jeeanie) was really nice yesterday and we had a good time meeting together. She used to be a model and understands how light can affect makeup. It really is an art.

I also have more money than I thought! The makeup is less expensive than I originally assumed. I was able to offer $40 for an expensive French purse on ebay yesterday. Now if i can just stop obsessing about all 137 pounds of me, I'll be okay!

November 10th, 2022

Gram Died

Gram died. She died early this morning around two or three. Mom called to tell me - we talked briefly about Thanksgiving, but it was almost like it hadn't happened. I kept saying "this is so strange". It's not like I saw her very often over the past year, but it's weird to think she's not here. She had the prettiest eyes.

November 11th, 2022

1 Week Side Effects

I woke up without a headache today. I've been in a good mood - creative. Last night I woke up and wrote new material. I did that the night before too. My sex drive is back and my appetite is much lower. Feeling pretty good today.

Prenup Update

I just got back from my lawyer's office to review the revised prenup. Dan wants to pay the bare minimum for me to survive off of if we get divorced. I'm disabled. I can't work. This would be what I would have to live on for the rest of my life. I would be in poverty forever if we got divorced.

When I saw how much money he has my jaw dropped. 7 million and a half dollars. I don't even know how to write that number. It makes me so furious that he thinks this little of me. He is only marrying me because I'm cheap. Any other woman would demand more than $30,000 per year post-divorce. I feel disgusting. I am worth nothing to him. Poverty.

November 13th, 2022

Alone Days

I feel guilty saying it, but I love spending time alone when Dan travels. Today I went to the gym and lazed around in bed all day. Listened to NPR. I'm excited about having submitted a few pieces I like and now I'm just waiting for their response. It's day 9 on 5mg of Lexapro and my sex drive is really high. I keep having sex dreams. I feel sharper. My appetite has dramatically decreased. I guess that's why I gained 7 pounds. So far so good - the headaches are gone. :)

November 14th, 2022

School Shooting

There was a mass shooting at UVA this morning and we're all supposed to stay home. Most businesses are closed because the killer is still on the loose. This is the third homicide this month. I can't help but wonder if all the reality tv shows with the scary music has something to do with it. We're addicted to anxiety.

Speaking of which, it's been 10 days on 5mg of Lexapro. It's difficult to fall asleep and sleep through the night, but I do have a lot of creative energy. I've written three pieces I really like this week. My appetite is still lower and I've found I don't need naps anymore. The only issue right now is the muscle tension. I have a headache from grinding my teeth and my legs are sore from constantly flexing them.

Tonight mom is supposed to come over for dinner. I feel so bad for her with Gram dying.

November 17h, 2022

More Prenup

Yesterday I went to Mom's to discuss the prenup. I understand that the amount Dan is offering would put me back into the same amount of poverty I was in before marriage. I keep thinking about the fact he has 7 million dollars, but his offer for a prenup is lower than most people without a quarter of his money. I feel like he wants to marry me because I'm cheap/a good deal. I try not to think about it, but yesterday was hard. I don't like feeling as if I'm a piece of property.

I think my period is coming in 7 days. I don't want to go back up to 20mg after coming down to 5mg. We'll see if the PMS stuff gets bad I guess. I do feel more anxious and depressed. It's manageable though.

Today I finished my work for Jose and am still very pleased at all the creative writing I've accomplished this past week. I might take a nice walk around the mall soon. I'm currently at the office planning how I will decorate my desk. Bill Weld photos, of course. Maybe Toshy and I can decorate together. I haven't gone on a target run with him in a long time.

November 27th, 2022

ThanksGiving

Thanksgiving was a mess. I told mom that Diane and Dan were doing something just themselves this year. I didn't want to tell Mom that Diane feels uncomfortable around her. I was going to go with Mom to Deborah's, but I just didn't want to. I wanted to be by myself. Maybe that was the start of PMS without a regular amount of lexapro. It's hard to know.

What I do know is that I emailed Dan at 3.30AM last night to tell him I felt disconnected from him and was worried that we slept in other rooms halfway through the night. He said I felt that way last month exactly 25 days earlier and it's true. I get more sensitive around my period. But it does root from somewhere.

Positive Reframing:

Today I talked to Dan about my feelings and we figured out that it was my period and nothing serious about Dan's work schedule. I had 3 glasses of wine and was able to paint and listen to This American Life. I was still able to enjoy this time even though Dan didn't spend the evening with me. I also had a wonderful brunch with Sarah and Kirsten. We talked about a bridal party at Mom's and bridesmaids dresses.

Also, last week I got to go out with Alethea. God I miss her so much. It was great just sitting in cafe Marie Bette for two hours talking about family and relationships and life. I love Alethea. Always always.

November 29th, 2022

Mood Swings/Things I Like

It's been almost a month since I've been on 5mg of Lexapro. But I did do a week of 20mg. It's hard to tell if I feel anxious because Dan is always in a bad mood or if I feel anxious because of medication or if I feel anxious because I'm on my period. People say the "why" doesn't matter, but if I don't know what's causing it then how can I fix it?

Cover it, I guess. Just focus on the things I like. I like the office. I like my California no-cukes sandwich from Baggbys. I like not feeling so hungry anymore. I like my sex drive. I like my creativity. I like being alone. I like watching bad reality tv. I like hanging out with Alethea. I like my Bill Weld picture on my desk. I like the stickers of Cadbury I put up around town. I like coffee - especially the pumpkin spice or hazelnut kind. I like my book that I'm reading. I like the advice column in the Washington Post. I like my lamp beside the couch where I go to sleep. I like swimming in the warm water pool. I like my new beige jacket.

November 30th

Today Is Good

Today is good. Nothing changed.

I wrote another 100 word story and have all my articles finished. I'm wearing my favorite colored sweater. Cadbury hung out on my couch all day. Might go to the gym later. Everything feels different than yesterday.

December 1st, 2022

Christmas Prenup

It's Christmas time and the prenup continues. I can hear fur elise playing from the bank downstairs. The office is warm today and I feel drowsy, almost too sleepy to want to go to Mom's. I have to go over there around lunchtime to discuss what we're going to say to the lawyer before our appointment. I don't understand this prenup. I want to be okay. I want to be better than I am now when Dad is paying. I don't want to be in poverty. I don't want to have to think about whether I want to get divorced and live in poverty or stay in a bad marriage to be okay. I don't know what will happen in the future and I want Dan and I to work out, but a part of me keeps thinking marriages just don't last like people think they will. I feel like a sleezeball for thinking about this stuff. As the wedding gets closer I keep seeing all these things that might doom us. I warned Toshy of this before he got married and now I'm warning myself. It's just the nerves talking. There are always issues. Still, good to have a contract. Just in case.

December 2nd, 2022

Sexist Jokes

Really tired of Dan's friends saying sexist stuff because it's "funny". Last night we had a dinner party and one of his friends was talking about high-def TV and how you can see every little detail so close. And then the conversation turned to how porn should never be in HD because then you'd see all the stuff you don't want to see up close. Like pubic hair. Or razor burn. Or other apparently ugly things that girls shouldn't have. Everyone thought this was hilarious. HD porn would be gross! Haha! So funny!

I never know what to do when Dan and his friends laugh and make jokes at women's appearances. I don't want to laugh. I know that if I point out that it's mean I will be seen as a one of Those feminists who can't take a joke. I usually don't do anything and then bring it up with Dan later. When I did that this morning he got really defensive - as he always does - and points out at least he didn't start it.

I hate this. I wish I could just live by myself.

December 6th, 2022

One Month Taper Period

It's been one month since I've gone from 10mg to 5mg of Lexapro.

Neegative Side Effects

Negative thoughts throughout the day

Heightened ambivalence about relatiionship

Increased sensitiviity

Headaches

Stomach/digestive/bloating issues

Insomnia

Positive Side Effects

More creative

Increased sex drive

Decreased appetite

December 9th, 2020

Church Dreams

I had this dream that I went to an all black church, but the church was very stuffy. No singing. Proper.

Then I realized I actually didn't have to be there and nobody was going to stop me if I wanted to leave.

So I left and went to St. Paul's where I saw the old minister and pews. And at the end of the pews was a group of ladies smoking. So I went all the way to the back and one of them handed me a cigarette and I thought: Thank God.

Mom says that Gram and Deborah and she and I were all outsiders and that's why I felt comfortable sitting in the back of the church with the smokers. Because none of us really fit in. And that the first church was representative of this whole new world that I was about to be married into. New socioeconomic level. A family that doesn't value education and arts above all us. A new religion. She said that maybe I thought I was drifting away, but that it wasn't true. That's 100% my feelings.

I do feel like I'm drifting away from my family. From comfort really. I have to focus on what I'm gaining more.

December 26th, 2022

Cartagena, Colombia

Today we are in Cartagena. It's hot down here and it really is true that people wear broad hats everywhere. Skyscrapers can be seen from the beach and from our airbnb they look like the way I imagine Miami did in the '70s/'80s. Yeesterday we walked through the streets drinking tangerine juice from one of the stalls. The fruit is so good it tastes fake. It's like a whole different category.

Dan signed the papers on Christmas Eve. and now one of his companies is legally owned by someone else. We heard the company was sold while we were driving to the airport and we had to pull over at a gas station to kiss. It was so exciting. Board members called, I could hear them on the car speakers, to wish us "kids" a wonderful new life and marriage together.

But then something happened. I guess there are fees that need to be finalized and Dan won't relax until the money is in the bank. Here we are, he - a millionaire, in a beautiful city on Christmas vacation and it's awful. I feel terrible saying it, but once again I just hate traveling. Trying to pretend it's great to family and friends is it's own set of problems. Part of it is my period, I'm sure. That's never fun. Part of it is that Dan is so anxious about finalizing the deal, and part of it is that Dan completely resents my lack of sophistication.

He got so angry today because I ordered a mozarella sandwich in Colombia when I should have been ordering something exotic. I see him look at the way I cut up my food or when I don't know where a capital city is located. At times I think he finds my conversation so stupid that he just doesn't respond to what I'm talking about. He wanted to share books through our kindles and I wouldn't because the idea of him knowing and judging what I read stresses me out. When we are traveling, I am keenly aware of just how "not good enough" he makes me feel. And I hate it.

Right now I am in the bedroom avoiding him by conveniently tending to my cramps. It's 4:12pm and outside my window there are a dozen boats circling the cove. Every once and awhile I'll see someone standing on a canoe (like a gondola) paddling the calmer water inland. There is a hammock that looks out over the Old City. On the top of a small mountain that overlooks the town is a convent lit with Christmas lights. It was blasting dance music Christmas Eve and we thought it was gay club. Christmas here is a big festival with live music and dancing. In the middle of a square we saw a statue of a Christmas princess where you could walk underneath her giant skirt. I wanted to ask Dan if we could take a selfie but he is embarrassed to be seen as a tourist.

December 28th, 2022

8 More Days

8 more days in Cartagena. 7 Tomorrow I think. Tonight we had seafood with some kind of sauce and mussels. It was difficult to eat and Dan cut it up for me. I always feel like such a burden.

Tonight he told me I needed to be more assertive and that he doesn’t know what I’m thinking. I told him I felt the same way about him.

I will be more assertive. I will be. Not for him, but for me. I will ask him to do the things that are small, but make a difference. Share a sidewalk. Stroke my hair. Let me be alone.

I keep thinking the prenup will make me more assertive. Once I know for a fact I will be okay, then I can feel comfortable. But fuck it. I guess I need to start practicing. How do you remember to be assertive?

January 4th, 2023

Xulane/Lexapro 10mg

1 more day until I can go home. This trip has been awful. I should be ecstatic that Dan sold the company, but instead I'm just resentful that he's still working. I feel doomed - it's that sense that anxiety and depression are right on the other side of the glass and if I don't keep myself distracted I'll fall into it. I can't tell if it's because I started taking the patch, Xulane, birth control or if it's because it's been 2 months on the lower dose of Lexapro. I just wanted to stop my period. I just wanted to lose weight.

I went back to 10mg of Lexapro.

January 5th, 2023

Memories of Colombia

Aggressive beach peddlers trying to sell jewelry and boat rides.

The ocean didn't smell like salt.

Fresh limonada from street stands.

Storks.

Small bottles of Coke Zero.

Acid jazz in the lobby.

The Bueno Vista Social Club song playing everywhere.

January 6th, 2023

Trick

Princess Diana moves her head while fixing her eyes on the person she looks at. She doesn't blink. The eyes stay on him. The head and hair bounce around.

January 11th, 2023

"Real"

I love Alethea. We went out yesterday for coffee and finally talked about why we've been so distant. She says she doesn't know how to best support me with the wedding. She's the only one who knows I have reservations about marriage. She said she just wants us to always be real and never feel like we have to pretend to be happy or anything else. She's the best. It's been 20 years since we met.

January 17th, 2023

The Wedding Planner

I'm getting tired of planning the wedding with minimal support from the planner or Dan. They say they're there to help, but then they're never available. Today I am supposed to have a meeting with all three of us, but the wedding planner now needs to do things with her children and Dan has work with Finsemble. This wedding is not going to get done.

The period chronicles continue. At least I do feel much better back on Lexapro 10mg. I've been spotting and I know my period is coming up, but I can't tell when or if this is my period. My breasts are enormous.

Recently I've decided to take better care of myself. I'm eating vegetables and I stopped alcohol for the month. No weight loss, but I'm resigned that will never happen.

January 18th, 2023

Marriage Insecurity

I think Dan might be controlling. He leads people to say "yes", and they'll accept because it's polite. "Here, let's make a detour to see Mike" when it's a half hour away and them just drinking.

Or he'll speak for me sometimes. Yesterday he told his mom (in front of me) that I love errands. He hinted that we should go together because I love all kinds of errands.

Today Dan is in London and I feel more relaxed. I didn't notice it until I found a box of pop tarts in the recycling bin and made sure to hide it way in the bottom of the outside recycle dumpster. Dan wouldn't like it if I ate pop tarts. But why should that matter?

I guess because there is a certain kind of quiet that happens sometimes and it feels too heavy to move away from. A seething anger. I do not play with the cat vigorously enough. I do not work out hard enough. I do not watch the right TV. I do not want to read books about historical figures. I am not perfect nor do I care to be perfect. Maybe it's the perfectionism that makes the house tense. Today, sorting through old clothes and listening to recovery podcasts, I am in leggings and a big t-shirt. I'm not wearing a bra and I don't have any makeup on.

January 22, 2023

Our House

Our house is kind of like a mullet house. Historic in the front. Contemporary in the back.

January 24th, 2023

Prenup Woes

This prenup is going to be the end of us. I will never feel like I have the power to leave the marriage with the way things are set up. If I divorced, I wouldn’t be able to survive. It would be poverty again, but older and poorer. But of course I can’t talk about it because it makes it seem like I want to divorce him. I love him. But my life is so different than other people’s lives. I can’t earn a living. I feel like I went from belonging to Dad to now belonging to Dan. I know he doesn’t mean for it to be this way. I know he thinks he’ll have to go to work to support me if we divorced. But it doesn’t make sense. He has millions of dollars and I have nothing. If we get married I will never be able to walk away from him. With Dad, it’s the same thing, but I don’t mind being resentful of him because I don’t like him. This seems somehow worse.

Tonight we are supposed to sample wedding cakes. This was supposed to be a fun thing we were both looking forward to. We have champagne and a dozen different flavors of icing. Instead, I am holed up in my room and he is holed up in his office, right next to each other with a wall down the center.

I don’t know if this is going to work.

Jaunary 31st

Emotional Payments

________

Here is what your assets are, do you agree this is correct?

$11,023 in savings and checking

Nice legs

Agreeable

Your mother’s inheritance

One diamond watch

Listening skills

Kindness

Here is a list of prominent debts, do you agree this is correct?

Thousands of dollars in taxes for having a disability

Countless hours of tutoring that never did pay off

Lifetime contributions in no specific order are as follows:

Unauthorized and unsolicited advice

Poetry

Listening to bad breakup stories

Kindness

For the love of two beautiful people merging together as one family, we grant you this prenup with all the justification necessary to perfect a fair and gracious marriage.

Please, you may now sign the contract.

Feb. 2nd, 2023

Be Lucky

There's a theory that if you assume things will work out and assume you'll be lucky, then you will be. Entitlement allows you a better life.

"The secret is to assume and believe something good will happen before the concrete proof shows up. BE DELUSIONAL."

“Things are always working out for me no matter how it looks at any point in time”

Feb. 4th, 2023

Diet

I do not want to think in all-or-nothing terms. I am upset that i ate PaPa Johns pizza last night and blew my calories. I'm also upset that I've been drinking carbonated diet drinks.

But I am remembering that:

a.) Progress is not linear. Weight does not just decrease day after day. Weight fluctuates even while dieting.

b.) Progress is also more than just the number on the scale. Progress includes adding nutrition. Drinking more water. Going to the gym.

c.) Every moment is fresh. I do not need to live in my past mistakes of binging. I can start new right now.

February 6th, 2023

Unsent

I think we need to talk. I’m feeling isolated these days. It’s hard for me to know what’s going on with you and with work because I get you don’t want to talk about it, but it also feels like you’re shutting me out. For the past three or four months I’ve noticed that you’re significantly happier on Monday mornings. You have more energy. You smile more.

When you’re not working it seems like we’re emotionally or physically distant a lot of the time. The two of us haven’t had sex in almost 5 months and I don’t know if I have the energy to try and make you attracted to me. I can’t really remember the last time we were able to sleep through the night at home together. Yet when we’re not at home we can do it easily. There is something going on and I don’t know how to connect with you as easily as before. Maybe it’s the prenup. Maybe it’s selling the company. Maybe it’s because I am doing things that bother you. It’s not all in my head though. It’s not all just hormones.

_______

It’s two hours after writing this and I feel fine again. We had sex, giggled about not kissing because he’s sick, and snuggled. He fell asleep downstairs and I fell asleep in bed after reading for a couple hours. Everything was great.

February, 7th, 2023

Fine?

I woke up feeling super negative. Constantly thinking Dan hates me and that we’re doomed. I felt fat and I’ve gained 2 pounds overnight.

Maybe it is hormones?

February 10th, 2023

A Love Story

After yet another fight over the prenup I have decided to look at this relationship as a long love story. One that will have twists and turns, but one that I'm rooting for regardless. Tonight I've orchestrated date night:

a trip to the arcade

dinner at the mexican restaurant

a short walk to a bar in Belmont

It's a low key date where there isn't too much pressure. I think Dan is feeling used and taken advantage of and I hate that. He deserves to feel loved and special and heard. Tonight I will hear him.

February 20th, 2023

Old Friends

Matte and Alethea came over Friday night. For awhile Dan joined us which was sweet because I'm sure he must have been bored listening to us reminisce. We visited Steve at the radio station around midnight and Lethal did an impomptu interview while Steve read my fake PSA on air.

Steve seems like he’s doing really well. We brought moonshine to the station and purused the bookshelves of records together. I really like WTJU. All the weird art posters and WTJU soap make it feel like “old Charlottesville” when there were a lot of alternative art scenes.

Lethal and Matte didn't spend the night even though we were still up at 3AM. I wonder if our sleepovers are officially over now that we've gotten older. When Matte left I said "I love you" and he said it back so quickly. They are my best friends in the whole wide world. I hope nothing ever happens to them.

March 3rd, 2023

Caving Feels Good

I told Dan that I thought he had much more money than he did and that's why I was asking for more than 30,000 per year. He seemed hugely relieved. When he explained how much money he has I understand why he's concerned and even if that amount wouldn't be enough to live off of, and even though he technically has several million dollars, we're in this together. I don't want to end up like mom, thinking the worst of everyone.

Since then things have been going really well between us. He hasn't been having as many mood swings and I've been in a great mood. Dave and I are starting a Charlottesville publication that celebrates the creative side of c-ville. I love it. Tonight we're going out to discuss the future of it and how to market etc. For the first time probably since Dan proposed I feel optimistic. Ultimately, this is Dan and I. My own family doesn't get to steer the ship and I feel bad that I let them.

March 11th, 2023

Testosterone

Dan is going back down on his meds to try and get his sex drive back. I'm worried. He becomes scary and angry when he's not on medication and it's going to be a stressful time anyway with the wedding.

Other than that. I've been in a really good mood lately. I started up Curbiture with Dave which is a little strange since he wants to hang out all the time, but I like getting into the writing community again. I'm not attracted to Dave in the least anymore. I was looking at him the other day and he's far more handsome now, but it's strange, there's just nothing there. I guess I thought there might have been since we hadn't seen each other since dating. But I'm glad there's nothing there. He's going through a breakup and wants to fill his time with as many friends as possible. Are there other feelings for him? I don't know. Probably. It's really tough going through a breakup.

Last night Dan and I had dinner with Beth and Dad. Dad knows the waitress at the French restaurant and made a show of it. She mentioned something about him having too much to drink at a past visit. It's strange to see dad drinking. He's very emotional (still) on the steroids and doesn't want to give a toast at the wedding because of it. That's disappointing. But you can't control everything.

March 20th, 2023

Spring

I feel so happy! Even PMS was not a big deal this month. I realized I don't usually write here when I'm happy so I thought I would today. Less than 2 months away until the wedding and I'm so excited!! Last night I looked up how to change my last name to Schleifer. I can't believe I'm going to be Rebecca Schleifer. This is amazing.

April 1st, 2023

Wedding Bands etc.

Dan and I went wedding band shopping today. Seeing his hand with a gold band on it was startling and I felt instantly optimistic and nostalgic. An ancient ritual that I am now a part of. It's really beautiful when you think about it.

Mom called yesterday to tell me I needed to send an email about what people should do in terms of gifts for the wedding. I said I had it under control, but she wanted to know all the plans. She kept telling me there was a certain way to do it and that people were asking. I told her I would take care of it and that I was not talking about the wedding anymore and she refused! She kept talking about it even though I had to talk over her, repeating the same sentence over and over again: I'm done talking about the wedding. Finally she said "you're listening to everyone else except me" in the midst of trying to tell me about email wording.

I almost started laughing. Yes, that's true. I am not listening to her the way she wants. But that's okay - I'm still her daughter. It was cute. Even though it was a break between the relationship we've known for so long.

April 11th, 2023

PMS

Dad bought us a wedding present and included the price in case we wanted to insure it. $6000 for a Chihuly glass structure. It looks like a green and blue blob that's rising out from the ground. It came in a glass box and we couldn't figure out if that was part of the artwork.

Mom and I made fun of it over text. Apparently she has a Matisse. I like it when they fight sometimes because it makes me feel valuable. Afterward I just feel gross.

What's the difference between manipulation and negotiation? Men negotiate. Women manipulate.

Today is Dan's birthday. We went out with Diane to Tip Top and talked about all of our travel plans. She is going to Nova Scotia. We will be in Scotland in a little over a month. Until last week I thought Scotland had two "t"s. The land of Scotts. Scotty Derico. Scott Peterson. All of them.

I feel fat today and out of control foodwise. I didn't have any cake. I stayed within the calorie limit for not gaining weight, but I didn't reach my lose-weight calorie goal. I ate 1900 calories. A maintenance calorie intake. I'm supposed to eat 1200. Now I have to eat 1200 for the next three days. But I'm supposed to go to a writer's bar on Friday with Dave where I know they'll serve alcohol. Ugh.

It's 1am right now and I'm listening to the podcast You're Wrong About. My lamp light is switched on and the room is a mix of pale yellow and dark wood. Dan is sleeping in the next room. I am the only one alive. Safe.

April 14th, 2023

Dream of Champions

Last night I had the weirdest dream I've ever had. It was like an action movie.

Dan and I were inside a huge government building and we had to defeat the aliens living under the floorboards. We were with a trained alien-fighter (Mike from Breaking Bad) who was this grizzly guy in his sixties who didn't talk much. He warned us not to go under the floorboards, but we did anyway. It took us forever to track down the aliens once we were submerged in darkness, but finally there they were. Dan and I used these comically large shot guns to blast them away one by one. Triumphant, we emerged from the floor to a cheering audience. The alien-fighter (Mike from Breaking Bad) came up to me and said "Job well done."

That was the end of the dream.

April 16th, 2023

Kitchen Window

Today Dan left for a conference in London. I was tidying up the kitchen listening to NPR when I noticed the evening light against the new fence Dan installed just below our shed. It's right behind the wood pile that came from the 19 year old who delivers it from his dad's lumber yard out in the country. The dishwasher was on and I could hear some of the kids in the street yell "car!"

Dan picked Iris's from the garden and arranged them in a vase on the counter. This morning we sat out by our pond and fed the fish. We talked about the pond and the flowers and whether frogs could live underwater.

How did I get here? I don't deserve this. Everything is beautiful.

April 26th, 2023

Anniversary

It's been a year since I started this diary. Now that the wedding is so close I've started to relax about the planning. Dan is so happy. Everytime he sees me he kisses me. Right now he's in Mexico for his bachelor party. Saturday I'll have my bachelorette party with the "wedding party".

I can't believe it's only a few weeks away. I went to Mom's for lunch yesterday and told her that I didn't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't gone back to her house after Philadelphia. She got really quiet and I think she might have been kind of sad or something. She changed the subject and I left soon after. I think the wedding is harder for her than I thought. It must have been hard to have had a daughter lost to a man without a conscious. To not be able to get your kid back and face people calling you mentally ill because they don't believe you. I can't imagine coming back from that.

Dad texted that he might give a speech after all. At this point I don't really care as much. I'm much more focused on Dan.

May 20th, 2023

The Wedding

It felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. Matte and Lethal came to the Boxwood Villa to stay the night before getting ready. We sat out on the newly-finished porch made with laminate that looked like wood and shared a bottle of wine. Just one because we always have fun with or without one.

Lethal came up with a game where we write down all sorts of objects and cut them into separate pieces. When we mix them up in a jar we can pull out 4 objects and the other people have to guess which order they go to from most important to least. It’s a way to see who knows your friend best. It was so much fun. We played it for hours while talking about relationships and the future and what our lives are like.

Kirsten definitely did the most out of the bridesmaids. She was on top of everything from the bachelorette party to getting ready. It was fun having Sarah, Lethal, and Kir all together. Abigail brought everyone bagels from Bodos. Mom looked nervous, probably because she was, about seeing Dad again. The closer it was to the ceremony the more pale and small she seemed.

Ab walked me to the stairs to meet Dad where he would walk me into the ceremony room. Once we got to him he gave her a long and awkward hug where he tried to get her to see him again, but luckily we got up the stairs before there was any real conversation.

Seeing Dan after seven hours of getting ready was like seeing him for the first time. We were so excited. He actually looked nervous which I don’t know if I’ve ever seen. We exchanged vows and put rings on each other and Mike said “you may now kiss your wife”. It was amazing. We were so giddy.

The photographer was a trip. She kept saying “ha ha ha” to prompt us to laugh so I’m guessing I probably looked relatively rigid. Once we said hello to all the guests during cocktail hour we danced to Imagine by John Lennon and talked about football because we weren’t sure what else we were supposed to talk about. Dan couldn’t stop kissing me and I was on air.

Dad did try to dance with mom. She was clearly extremely uncomfortable so I cut in. Dad gave a speech where he recalled meeting Dan for the first time and how nervous Dan was. Dan and I started laughing. “It’s like he’s totally revising it” Dan said. He is starting to get my family pretty well.

I got to meet some of Dan’s friends from different countries who knew him when he was a teenager. I got to introduce mom and Dan’s dad. As the night progressed from 5pm Dave Brubeck to 7pm motown, to 9pm disco, I apparently talked to everyone, but only for a short time. It was so much fun. Even Mark Hoffman came! I was so happy to see him.

The whole thing was just a dream. I wish I could do it all over again next week.

I now am officially a Schleifer.